Friday, December 2, 2011

From the Coop: The News (12-02-11)

Justin Bieber Vs Kim Kardashian (Thanks for the Joke Ralph Garman)
A can of Coke
Fire Vs iPad

Thursday, November 24, 2011

From The Coop: Lil' Chkn's Parade

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Old Navy: A Zombie Story (part 8)

Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. The events that take place are for entertainment purposes ONLY.  This was written very quickly.

And now….

Before Noon Presents

Old Navy: A Zombie Story
Part 8
Harper’s Ferry

            Stephen Harper is having a drink at the end of the bar. This is a drinking man’s bar. They don’t sell bottled beer. They don’t have games other then one lone dart board; however no one really ever plays it. The stuff on the wall speaks to the owners and its employee’s, nothing else. They have two 20 inch TV’s, one at each end of the bar. It’s not well lit but not dark. A place where some one could loose them self in a pint, have a moment with their single malt Scotch. Stephen Decided to lose himself tonight in a few pints.
            Stephen had been drink here for years. When he wanted to talk he sat in the middle of the bar and would baby a Jack and Coke. When he wanted to get drunk he would sit in the corner booth with Shots of Jose. When he wanted to be left alone he sat and the end of the bar and drank, one beer followed by one glass of water. He would keep his head down and just space off into his beer. Tonight was one of those nights. The piss pour weather out side made him want to curl up on the couch and watch reruns of American Gladiator. But something made him go to the bar tonight. The howling wind out side blasted cold to Stephen’s core, but the lager that he was drinking kept him warm. The Bartender would not even ask, he would just give him water then a beer, then water then a beer. This went on for about two hours, and then Stephen had to pee.
            In the Men’s room Stephen stood at the urinal spacing off. He had been done for a few seconds when he looked at the wall above the pipes and flusher. Boogers had caked the wall.
            “Huh” Stephen said aloud. “Every good men’s room has a booger wall”
He heard a weird sound out side. At first he could not make it out. Then he shrugged it off as just Cows mooing. This was, you see, Gardner, Kansas. While cattle did not roam the streets if some got out of one of the farms near the town then they would have a chance to end up at the bar.

Stephen washes his hands and returns to a fresh beer. He looks across the bar and Jimbo was there. Jimbo was the local survivalist. When Stephen would be nice and drunk he would chat with Jimbo. Jimbo would rave about the best way to stay alive during a world changing catastrophe was to either fortify your self up where no one could find you or to stay mobile. Jimbo had both, or so he bragged. A concrete bunker that was old Missile Silo and something he called Bertha. He said only a tank or Nuke could stop it.
            Through the door burst an American soldier with a look of terror in his eyes. The three men in the bar can hardly make out the camouflage through the blood and green stuff that covers him. The green stuff smells like Vomit. The soldier passes out. Stephen and the bartender run to his aid, Jimbo looks out the window. The Bartender cleans off the solider. His name and rank also become uncovered, Sergeant Sams.
            After a few moments the soldier comes to.  “Where am I?”
            “Son you’re in a bar in Gardner Kansas.” The Bartender replied.
            “Gardner, man I must have run forever.”
            “What do you mean? Whose Blood is this? Are we under attack?”
“I was in Lawrence, We where in Lawrence, or just to the west of it any way. My platoon was sent to not let them enter the city. They had already over run Topeka.”
            “Who? Who over ran Topeka?” Stephen Asks.
            “Them, the Zombies”
Every one stops and stairs at each other.
            The Sergeant continues.
            “In Manhattan, at K-State there is a highly Secure Bio Research lab. Some one broke into it a little less then a week ago.”
            “Yeah they said that nothing was missing and that they caught the guys.”
            Right, well the good news is that they where just kids wanting to protest the lab and the War, But when security came they some how broke a cabinet and it fell on to one of the guys. There was a combo of chemicals and biological agents that absorbed into the skin. I was on the response team. We took them to Topeka to hold them for Homeland to see if any thing needed to be done or if there was more of a threat. We did not see what happened next. The one guy bit the other guy and we thought that the second one died. But in the morgue something happened. Then it spread. My Black Hawk pilot said that the groups of Zombies look like herds of buffalo roaming the flint hills.” The Sergeant was starting to ramble.
            “Sergeant!” Stephen Shakes him a bit and continues. “What happened to you?”
            “They came over the hill and we fought them off as long as we could. We had to fall back. I lost a lot of good men.”
            Just then two Zombies rip thought the door. Sergeant Sams whips up his M4 and shreds the first one, his gun clicks, it is empty. The second Zombie does not stop. He pounces on the sergeant and starts to feed. The bartender pulls out a double barrel shot gun and blows the zombies head off with both barrels.
            “Wow, that was intense” Jimbo says.
            “Yeah,” Stephen says as he nudges the dead bodies. He bends over and picks up the M4.
            “What are you doing?” the bartender asks.
            “if there are more of them then we might need this to kick some ass.” They check the soldiers dead body for more ammo. Jimbo shows Stephen how to load and “clean” the riffle. Jimbo picks up the Desert Eagle hand gun that the Sergeant had on him.
            Jimbo starts to stair out side. “We should go.”
            “Where?” Stephen asks.
            “To Bertha”
            “Bertha is real?”
Jimbo puts in a dip of chewing tobacco and offers some to Stephen. Stephen also takes a dip. Jimbo spits. “Yeah. She is not fully armed. But she runs and she has food and 2 Cases of Jack.”
            “Well ok how far?”
            “Over the hill. Bout a mile.”
The three of them start to walk out of the bar. One Zombie runs at them from a bush. Jimbo blows its head off with his new hand cannon. The Zombie’s head explodes like a watermelon.
            It starts to rain. It is a cold rain.
            “you know I don’t think I am drunk any more.” Stephen says.
Jimbo looks at him.” This cold ass rain and the Zombie killin’ will do that to man.”
            They are walking along the bottom of a valley. The Bartender shushes them and holds his hand up like he has seen a bunch of war movies.
            Stephen whispers loudly. “Why are we stopped?”
            “I heard something.”
            “Ok, I guess I will just stand here in the rain in a creek. Huh?
            “This is kind of cool”
            “What do you mean?”
            “Its like I’m in ‘nam”
Jimbo slaps him on the back of the head. “Yeah you would have done real well there.”

In a burst of red and flesh a pack of 5 Zombies jump out of the brush and engulf the Bartender. He gets of one shot with the shot gun and takes out the legs of one of the Zombies.  Stephen and Jimbo lay down a path of bullets that would make Schwarzenegger Proud.  After both of them reloaded and empted again the Zombies where no more than a pile of flesh and the creek was red.
            Stephen stands there, jaw open, holding his riffle. Jimbo picks up the shot gun and the bag with the shells in it. “Come on man, not far now.”
            “I need a drink”
            “Well that I have”
As Jimbo works on Bertha, Stephen proceeds to drink away the pain and the cold.

After about three days spent with his good friend Jack, Stephen Drunk calls Danice all he gets is her voice mail.
            “DANICE, Woo, I am drunk and it’s the end of the world. I hope that you are still kicking and not a Zombie thingy. Work Sucks and last I knew you are <burp>  at the Old <burp> Navy. Woo, we are all going to die! Damn it. I need another one. He hangs up.

Back at the store all of the Old Navy survivors are in the Break room going over the plans that Andy had left.  Jason, Scott, Josh and Shawn where building a wall in the back so they had a place to get fresh air.
            Shawn looks at the almost done wall. “Weird, Andy took the time to make plans about a wall in the back so we could fort-a-fie the back as well as the front.”
            Josh and Jason finish the wall. They had “cut” the fence and welded it to the trash dumpsters. Then moved three cars together and turn them on their side to complete the wall. Shawn turns to Scott and asks “What will you miss about the old world?”
            “Getting paid to sing”
            “What will you miss?”
“Humor, I think it will take some time for humor to reach the level that it was at. Death on this crazy scale does that to people.”
Jason walks over. “You know what I won’t miss.”
Josh, “No what”
“Those assumptions that people have for no reason.”
“Oh like racism and bigotries”
“Well those too, but I was thinking more along the lines of because of steroids when I would see an athlete do something great I would think that they cheated. Because of Porn I would see a hot young chick with a nice rack and think that she would jump my bones if I was just a plumber or cable repair man.”
Shawn pipes in, “I know what you mean man.”

Danice comes running out side. “Burr it is cold out here.”
            Jason replies “well it did snow.”
            “Shut up and Stephen just left me a voice mail. I think he is drunk.”
            “Yeah it just came though about 10 minuets ago.”
            “Do you wanna call him back?”
Danice just stands there shaking from the cold.

Jason takes her phone and calls Stephen back.

“Harper is you drunk?”
“Hell yeah man, it the end of the world, bitches.”
“Where are you drinking at?”
“I am in Jimbo’s Winnebago of Death, This thing is awesome.”
“Great can you come and get us there are about a thousand Zombies in the store.”
“Well yeah Jimbo, Bertha and I will be there as soon as we can good buddy.”
Stephen hangs up.

Danice asks, “Well?”
“I think he is come here in what he called a Winnebago of Death.

Next week a totally new Part 9…

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Old Navy: A Zombie Story (part 7)

Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. The events that take place are for entertainment purposes ONLY.  No prejudice was taken in to account; this story was allowed to flow and written very quickly.

And now….

Before Noon Presents

Old Navy: A Zombie Story
Part 7

There is a weird almost silence. Not that one that she was used to. There was the buzz from the lights and the sound of people breathing, but there was something else, something that sounded familiar, but not of this earth. Jen Ross looks up to see Steve slam the door.  He leans with his back to the door and puts his hands up to his face. Jen looks around the room. Lani is stand next to her. Sherri is checking up on Danice and Amy Larson.  Katie S. Shannon and Emily look white like a ghost. The kid’s stock room seems duster than normal tonight. Jen thinks to her self, what the hell where those things.

Steve looks up with his back still on the door and asks, “"Is every one ok in here."
Sherri looks up, "I think so but Larson and Danice both tossed their cookies on the way back here."

Shannon is a shorter woman that has 8 kids but looks like she might have had one. Emily is skinny and has a bit of punk rock look to her. Amy Larson went to school to be gym teacher and played softball in college.

Jen notices that some one as scribbled something down above the door on the exposed dry wall and she point to the writing.

Almost every one looks up and sees:

4 8 15 16 23 42    Find these numbers. They will save your life.

Steve reads them, "Huh? What do you think that means?"
"I don't know," Jen Ross replies. "But we might want to find those numbers."

Lani and Jen start to look around on the walls. Steve is looking through the boxes when he stops. He slowly pulls out a medium size brown cardboard box. It is a little heavy. It has the numbers written on it.  He sets it on the floor.

Steve just stands over the box. Jen notices this and walks over to where Steve is standing. She also just stands there. A moment passes and Lani shouts across the room, “Hey! Are going to open that thing up or what?!”

Steve opens slowly opens up the box. On top is a note hand written poorly. Steve thinks to him self. This must have been written by Andy.  He reads the note aloud.

So the items in this box will save your life for a little bit. I put this together as a joke some time in October.


Jen starts to look through the box. Inside are a few Items:

1 gallon of water
2 cans of Ensure
1 can of Spam
3 large candles unscented
1 small box of water proof matches
1 plastic Bic lighter
1 Muilti-tool
A full salt and pepper shaker
A flash light
8 D size batteries
And a handful of hard candy (butterscotches, peppermints and such.)

Jen lines them up.

Larson comes up and looks them over, “What the hell are we suppose to do with this stuff?”
“Well,” Jen replies. “We might just have to make this last a while.”

Steve picks up the box to move it out of the way when he notices that it is still a bit heavy.  He examines the box a little bit more and finds that there is a false bottom to it. He removes the last bit of cardboard and sees a Dictaphone, a small digital voice recorder. With a note attached to it, also hand written. It reads:

If this is a real emergency, play me.

Steve hits the play button. Andy’s voice starts to come out of it.

Test, Test, this is a test. 

Andy’s voice makes everyone’s head turn and listen. Every one is in aw that he is speaking to them from the dead.
Andy continues on the recording.

Ok this may seam weird. Hopefully ever one that is listening to this is ok and no one became hurt.
Over the past few weeks I have gathered up supplies and made out detailed plans that will help you turn this Old Navy into a safe haven. Hopefully I have gotten them all here and into place before you had to play this. First and foremost I have gathered enough food to feed a small army. Now this is not the best food in the world but most of it won’t expire for 10 years.

Now I have a list that I will also put with the items but I will read to you know. This list may change or I could not get the item.  Check the hatch in this room for the first set of items.

Now I have the list broken down in to a few categories:
 1. Protection
2. Food and Water
3. Communication
4. Security
5. Survival

Let’s start with Protection.

Ok now Guns would be ideal. How ever I don’t really have access to them and Dicks is right next door.  I have include some knifes, bats, and crowbars that can be use for a lot of things.

Also In a few parts of the store I have hidden in plane sight the items you will need to board up the front windows……

Steve fast forwards the recording a bit.

…Now the food and such a few ways to cook them are also stored in the hatch with the blankets. I have provided and electric skillet and hot plate, as well as a small propane grill.  There should be enough propane to last a few weeks. But use is sparingly.

Steve stops the recording, “I don’t know about you but I think we should find this hatch.”

The group scourers the entire room,  Lani climbs up to read the numbers off of a metal panel.

4 8 15 16 23 42    I think I found the hatch!” Lani shouts.

They open it up and start to remove the boxes.  The first box is marked: Other box 2, Knowledge.

Larson and Danice open it up. They pull out a few books.

Danice starts to read the names of the books. “Adobe: the art of mud bricks.  Skilled labor: Carpentry and welding for beginners.  Basic Electronics.  Wooded Love.”

“What!” Larson snaps her head around. “What is that one about?”
“I don’t know.”
Amy starts to read aloud from the middle of the book:

Jamie pulls the sweaty lumberjack toward her, her heart pounds so loud that she is sure that he can hear it over the wind that is rustling through the trees. They embrace and kiss like long lost lovers reuniting. However the two of them just met. He picks her up and firmly grabs her bum. Jamie can’t help but wrap her long and slender legs around him.  As they spin around the clearing all that Jamie can hear is the lumberjack’s boots crunching the leaves on the forest floor.  He gently lays her down on the picnic table. She un-wraps her legs and looks at the lumberjack through the top of her eyes as he slides her skirt over her boots.  Jamie sits up, unbuttons his pants and…

“What the hell are you reading?” Amy gets interrupted by Katie.
“Shut up and let her finish.” Lani says with excitement. Everyone else seems excited. Except for Steve, he continues to unload the hatch as Amy reads on.

All that Jamie has on is her unbutton white cotton blouse, her black lacy bra that has been pulled down to expose her creamy white breast and her black knee high boot. She is probably getting splinters but she doesn’t care. A bead of sweat runs down the square jaw of her lover of the moment. It goes over the two day stubble that sits upon his chin and just hangs on. Waving back and forth like the two of them, in perfect harmony.

Amy puts the book down and looks up. “We should probably get back to work.”
Danice and Sherri fight over the book.

A little more than an hour passes and they have all but cleared out the hatch.  Other then food and a random selection of books are list and where to find the items on the list. Some are hidden in and round the store. Some require a trip across the street to one of the many stores. Left for them seems to be diagrams for just about every thing that could happen and cause the end of the way of life as we know it.

They cook up some of the caned chicken and dehydrated veggies and pass out bottles of water. Steve has been listening through the door and wall to hear if the Zombies have gone. They have not. He can hear them. The sound is not getting any quieter, just the same low moan that has been going on all night. Every one else has fallen asleep. Steve keeps nodding off. Emily wakes up and walks over and sits down by Steve. She asks him, “where up all night?”
“Yeah, I couldn’t really sleep much. Those, those things, those zombies, this is real. I’m not dreaming am I?”
“Well Steve if you where dreaming I don’t think that I would be the one sitting on the floor talking to you.” She stands up. “come on we should look at a way to get out of her. There is a walkie right.” Emily helps Steve up.
“Yeah,” they walk over to the Walkie that was left in the hatch. They turn it on and it beeps. The beep wakes up Lindsay.
“what the hell are you doing?” Lindsay whispers.
Steve replies, “Maybe some one is trying to use our walkies?”

Just then the Emergency Exit door from the back corner of baby goes off. It wakes up every one. The sound is deafening. 

Everyone has to shout to be heard.
Some one yells, “Maybe some one is alive and trying to get out!”
Some one else shouts, “Or maybe it the zombies just running in to the door?!?”

Just then the walkie crackles “…going to have to jump down …though the fitting room. You should …kill or run by the …Zombies.”

“Was that Jason?” Danice asks. She then rips the walkie out of Steve’s hands and shouts into it. “Jason! Jason! We are in the Kids stock room!” She looks down at the walkie. “It’s dead. We might as well be dead.” She drops to the ground and covers her head with her arms trying to drum out the sound from the alarm. A thud on the wall by the door shakes every one. Lani and Jen open the door slowly and see a couple of dead Zombies and a T-stand face out in the wall. Lani takes the face out of the wall. She turns in to the store and sees a mound of zombies swarming the table in men’s three. They don’t see her. She sneaks back in to the stock room and Jen shuts the door.

Lani starts to shout over the Alarm, “Well good news there are no zombies right out side the door. However, there are about fifty in men’s three and they look to be feasting on a fresh kill.”

Half of the group does the half vomit thing and the other half just stands there.
Steve asks, “Do you think that we could make it in to the other stock room to see who else is Alive?”

Lani answers, “Yeah, But I Don’t think we could all make it at once.”

Steve looks around. Ok Katie and Jen you two look to be in the best shape to run right now. Do you think you could make it through the fitting room?”

“Katie I am game if you are.” Jen shouts to Katie.
“I am ready I guess.” Katie replies.
“Lets wait to make sure that the big group of zombies settles down then we make our break for it.”

An hour passes. The door alarm finally quits. Danice looks up. “Did I just go def or did the alarm quit?”
“It Quit” Sherri replies.

Steve listens to the door. Nothing?
Amy gives Katie a crow-bar and Jen takes the face out from Lani. The two young women get ready to run out the door. Steve opens it up. Katie and Jen sprint around the corner. They stop. One zombie is trying to get through what looks to be like a super H-fixture that has been fasten across the back of the fitting room. The zombie stops and looks at them. Jen looks at the zombie and throws her face out at the zombie head. It hits his jaw and knocks it off.

“Well I guess he can’t bit us.” Katie jokes. “We could just run by it now.”
“Right, let’s go.”

With that Jen and Katie run pass the Zombie. Katie takes a swing at the zombies head and it drops to the floor.

“Huh?” Katie says. “Well I guess that worked.”
Jen get over the fixture and Katie follows. They are out of breath. They walk through the doors there is a group of people including Josh and Jason. Shawn seems to be the only one who notices them Jen waves as Katie and her try to catch there breathe.  Josh and Jason are talking about something.
Josh just asks Jason, “What are the numbers on the hatch?”
Jason replies, “4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42.”
“Those are the numbers from the TV show Lost. I would think that Andy or some one would have used them so we look in side of it.”
Katie looks up and says, “Those same numbers where on the hatch in the kids stock room. That is where we found the food and other stuff.”
Katie being there does not faze Josh.
Josh continues, “Ok we should look in the hatch…”
Josh pauses.
Shawn says, “Wait for it.”
There is a short beat. The Josh turns and runs to Katie.
They Hug and share a small kiss. The short passionate kiss that lovers share when one picks up another at the air port.
Jen Ross clears her throat, “So are we all going to go get every one else or what?”
Shawn looks at Jen, “There are more of you?”
“There are 10 of us in the other room. We need to go get them; also Andy left some really nice stuff over there.”

Patrice turns around “ok let’s get a plan together and go get them.”

Coming Soon to a computer or phone near you Part 8……